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Face the fury of Dick Cheney
Published on 2/17/2006

By Myles, our new contributor.


Unless of course you're watching a Chuck Norris marathon then by all means, finish it and come back to this article later. Sorry to have disturbed you. Please don't use any Texas whoop-ass on me.

If you're doing anything else though and that includes the Heimlich, the Macarena or the moonwalk I would advise you to pay attention to what I'm about to share with you.

As you all have heard, Dick Cheney accidentally sprayed a friend with pellets (yes, THAT'S what we call it now). After 6 exhausting hours of online searching I have finally come across a top-secret list that mentions the names of individuals who are next on Cheney's hit list. Of course, the media and the White House will have you believe otherwise...but don't be brainwashed by this man. After all, his name is DICK.

McCauley Culkin was once the CIA's top assassin. But because of his recent drug use and the fact that he fucked with a ‘made' guy (Joe Pesci in Home Alone 1-2), he will get what's coming to him.
KILL METHOD: Cheney disguises himself as drunk hooker that Culkin picks up every Saturday night, then stabs him in the heart with a fan-club pen that apparently wasn't autographed, as requested (some grudges never die).

Tatyana Ali a.k.a Ashly Banks. When her singing career took off and Fresh Prince was subsequently cancelled, Cheney was so pissed off that he apparently went on a hunger strike for 2 weeks. When they didn't bring the show back, he said “get me a big mac and Tatyana Ali's hat.”

Wow. Corey Feldman really has it coming to him. After allegedly getting AIDS (several times, my sources tell me) on the set of the GOONIES, he met Dick Cheney at the premiere and whispered in his ear that “the rumours were true.” True to form Cheney then followed Feldman into the men's room, where an exchange was made. A few years later, the AIDS virus appeared in Cheney's blood and he was forced to perform an experimental emergency blood transfusion with someone who had the same blood type as him; Cliff Yablonski.
KILL METHOD: Send basket of ‘goodies' to Feldman's house. Included: fake script which reads “you would be great for this role!” THEN “PS : FUCK YOU” AND WAIT FOR HEAD TO EXPLODE

Judy Garland brought Liza Minnelli into the world. WHAT KIND OF SICK MONSTER WOULD DO THAT?! Dick Cheney has taken it upon himself to eliminate all traces of that family tree. He has found a way to go back in time, dress-up as one of the munchkins and surprise Judy Garland as she makes her way down the yellow brick road.
There is a note here that says: “Note to self; make sure to get wicked witch of the east's number.”

Look for the Osmond family in the obituaries soon. Cheney has always had a mean streak but look-out, when it comes to entertainment families, no wonder they always disappear. In the handbook Cheney quips “Do not look directly into their eyes; from the depths of hell evil has spawned.”
KILL METHOD: Invite the Osmonds and Chuck Norris to the White House to celebrate their successful careers; then let nature take its course. Prediction: ROUND HOUSE KICK TO THE TEMPLE NORRIS STYLE. P.S. Cheney will also destroy as well as so they cannot reincarnate.

Dick Cheney was turned down for the role of “Mr. Davis”, the bumbling principal in New York Minute, the twins' highest grossing movie ever (1.3$ million). As revenge, he plans on holding hostage the families of Bob Saget, John Stamos and Dave Coulier. In exchange for their freedom the ex-Full House stars must hunt down the twins, kidnap them, drive to Mexico and sodomize them until they forget what their names are.
KILL METHOD: bottle of tequila, worm, chilies and taco shells. “Use your imagination, let your creativity run wild; make sure to remove their teeth first.” says the manual.

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